AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |
Back to Blog
Emo philips1/3/2023 ![]() “He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.” ![]() “I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. “Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.” “Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.” “I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. “I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. “How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.” “I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. “My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.” ![]() “I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.” “I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.” You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.” “If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. “The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.” ![]() “My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. “I think it's good to know more than the average guy. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” “When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. ![]()
0 Comments
Read More
Leave a Reply. |